It all started seven years ago. When I met her, we clicked immediately and began dating. Overall, the relationship was going well, but I struggled with time management. With work hours from 9 a.m. to 10 p.m., sometimes even midnight, my after-work routine was a light snack and then bed.
That schedule does not lend itself to a normal relationship, especially when my then-girlfriend worked part-time and had all the time in the world. We tried. We took trips to Bali and around Jakarta when time permitted. It was not ideal, but we made the best of it. Then we could not see each other because of my crazy schedule. I ended it. I could not sustain it. Not sleeping was not an option. So the first relationship in Jakarta kind of went bust.
After that, I dated someone from Bali. In many ways, that was better. Long distance fit my work because when I was off to Bali, I was off work, sort of. There was no off switch for work, but at least I did not have meetings every hour or get called for the next urgent matter. The Bali relationship was ideal until, five years later, it was not. That is another story.
Back to this one. It felt like unfinished business. I had ended things before, and when I met my ex in Bali, I thought this was another chance to try what I had stopped. I was glad to meet her because it felt like a redo and a chance to see where it could have gone.
Things began on a high note.
Rekindled, rebooted, sort of. People change, but to me, the core stays the same, and that was what I was hoping to find. Another chance, another shot at what could have been. The spark was there, and the signs looked positive. As we travelled in Bali a bit, I realized, yeah, this could work. There were a few yellow flags. They were not red yet.
As time went on, more came to light. Some things did not sit well. It was time to ask the hard questions. As you get older, it gets easier to ask them, and after a trip to Labuan Bajo, some answers were unusual. When it comes to money, relationships, and long-term plans, it is best to be clear and upfront. I booked a month in Jakarta, and the next day, my unusual question got an answer I had not expected.
That answer weighed on my mind. It is one thing to start a relationship and let it evolve. It is different to assume you will fully support a partner financially.
When I asked about supporting herself, the answer was unusual.
That led to hard discussions. I was not willing to be the sole provider and put money into a one-sided relationship. People hate discussing what a partner brings to the table, male or female, but there needs to be a support system. That was clearly not going to be the case. As things unravelled, it was all about money, monetary support, and forking out cash for trips, wants, and needs at her request.
All the while, there was a coldness, a seemingly calculated behaviour. That led to a lack of compromise and poor communication on her part. She spent time alone, shut off, and focused more on social media and content than on the relationship. The posts were selfish and aimed at making others envious, rather than focusing on us.
It became clear that if we continued, I would feel used. I caught it early enough to avoid being taken advantage of. In the end it was not sustainable financially. The relationship — or lack of one — became a huge red flag. Upon arrival in Jakarta, all of this piled on, and I knew I was not going to stay long-term as we had originally planned.
Communication, when it existed, served only her needs. Kindness followed the same pattern. She told me what she wanted and ignored what I desired. It all boiled down to my attempt to rekindle something I had stopped. That was a bad idea. Something had changed in her. This was a learned manipulative behaviour that was not present the first time years ago. I was and am disappointed. Yet I also got what I needed. I answered the question that had been on my mind for years.
Trying to start that fire again was a mistake.
I am happy because I can now close that chapter of the unfinished book. I can close it with confidence, knowing I tried. What puzzles me is what happened. What changed her from a cute, bubbly woman into someone colder and more manipulative? What pain did she go through to come out worse for wear? She told me she had been in an abusive relationship before. I remained unsure whether to believe that because of the small lies I caught her in later on.
Either way, the story of the ex-ex has closed in my heart and my mind.
Was it a waste? No. I got closure, and we did some amazing things on our trips. Disappointment lingered for a while until I accepted that the person I thought I knew and wanted was not the person I needed. She would not put effort into us because she had other agendas in her mind and life.
If you are thinking of a redo, assess all possible angles before you proceed.
And that is closure..
