Becoming a Single Dad
Being a single dad was never on my radar. Topics you personally experience are always easier to write about, so when someone suggested this topic I thought it would be easy. Then I sat down to write it and realised the memories cut deeper than I expected.
The memories of being a single parent are all positive. How I got there is much less positive. In previous blogs I went through the challenges of living with an alcoholic. An alcoholic parent is dysfunctional, unstable and a handful to manage on top of two children. Being divorced and having one less dependent was, in the end, a blessing.
What It Takes to Be a Single Parent
When I took on the role of single dad, no checklist existed. No certificate of completion waited at the end. The training had been happening for years already. As my ex’s drinking got worse and worse, I picked up more and more pieces. I gave the kids their baths, clipped their nails, cleaned their ears and put them to bed.
I handled the laundry while their mom locked herself in the home office. The kids and I did kid stuff. Lego, movies, reading, homework and general goofing around inside or outside with the dogs.
No true outline exists for what it takes. Reading a dozen books on parenting before having a baby is useless until you actually experience it. Practice beats theory every time. You cannot learn to play football from a book.
What the Challenges Are
This question alone could fill a book, not a short blog entry. The challenges depend on the individuals, the kids and how they were raised.
My kids were good. That is a fact and to this day I cannot complain. Did the slightly dysfunctional family environment shape them that way? I could pat myself on the shoulder and claim all the credit. I don’t believe that one hundred percent. I give the kids credit. Kids learn by example. All I can claim credit for is that I set a good example. They gauged the situation and understood that things were not as they should be.
How to Stay Sane
My daughter was 13 and my son was 8 when I became a single dad. By then I had confided in my daughter and she knew the situation. Neither of my kids was ignorant of the fact that their mom was unwell.
That awareness helped me stay sane and keep raising them. At the point of divorce, I was terrified of losing custody. The thought of an addict, a smoking alcoholic who couldn’t function as a normal person, raising my children kept me fighting. If you want the full story, read my Addiction and Mental Health series where I cover all of it. In short, the kids helped me by being understanding, caring and good.
What the Future Holds
If you had asked me back then how I would manage as a single dad, I could not have answered you. When my ex received a restraining order and I spent the first night alone with the kids, I felt relief.
That is the only way to describe the weight lifting off my shoulder. I felt lighter. I felt happy. Not because I was alone with the kids or because my drunken ex had left my life. But because I had one less person to babysit. No arguments before bed. The kids and I were free.
According to Pew Research, single fathers now head about 8% of families with children in the US, a number that has grown significantly. We are more common than people think, and we manage just fine.
Conclusion: Being a single parent isn’t easy but with the right mindset it is manageable. Read on in Part 2 where I get into what single dad life actually looked like day to day.
