In limbo.
That was the hardest thing to try and understand during these past 5 months. When you think about it, it makes sense. However, understanding it all is a confusing, soul-searching mess. One thinks of all the variables and all the problems and searches for solutions that will never come about.
It’s taken me months to understand that it was not me, it was you.
One can try, try and try some more. One can offer up solutions, alternatives, and quick fixes but in the end… Nothing matters, because you are getting zero feedback.
Like a light switch.
Is it as simple as flipping a switch? One moment it’s on and one moment it is off. Of course, it is not like that but over the course of years, that is exactly how you feel.
A sudden stop, a screeching vomit inducing stop in your life.
That is the stop you need to get off at and run. Aha, if it were only that easy. You think of it and you think back on it, the writing was on the wall. The signs were there but you were too blind to see because you cared.
You cared and that is why this hurts so much.
Why did it all happen? You may never know, you may never know the truth and that is what hurts the most. You search and dig for the truth so you can learn and understand but there is nothing.
That one person.
You may think of this as a lesson, you may think of this as faith, think whatever you want but it will make no difference. You will spend sleepless nights on a topic that the other person had already dropped and moved on from.
You are in limbo.
Hanging by a thread, your mind cannot rest at the thought of what could have been. The solutions, the alternatives, and the sacrifices you would have made or still are willing to make. Yet it’s over, there is no going back because someone else has decided for you. They have made a step in a direction that you never thought they may have ever wanted to go in.
In the end, all you hoped for, wished for, and begged for was a resolution to a problem that you never knew existed. A solution to a problem that was thrown in your face right before the vomit inducing stop came.
Yet in the end, all you can ever hope for is a simple clear, and honest explanation as to why… Otherwise, you will forever be in this nothingness, and emptiness and forever float in limbo, because all you wanted was a clear and honest answer as to why…
Stop trying because they don’t care.
You can listen to your own advice as often as you want. You can listen to other people’s advice as often as you want. You can soul-search through amazing posts on social media and also make your own. But in the end, the other person is no longer interested and no longer listening to you while you on the other hand are still trying.
Stop trying because they don’t care.
This is what you need to understand… It is hard, it is very hard to understand and your mind will spin this a million ways. Your mind is trained to make sense of the input it receives but there isn’t enough input so stop trying.
The once incredible high, the endomorphin-inducing happiness that has not reversed itself has come crashing down on you. You feel the drop, the feeling of falling off a skyscraper and as hard as you try you will not be able to stop from hitting the black pavement on your way down.
No safety net.
There is no safety net at the end of this trip. There is only you. Those are the facts and you better deal with them, alone. No matter what anyone tells you, or tries to cheer you on, you are on your own. Support helps and it is good to hear. But no matter what, your mind and your brain will only heal in time.
There is no one here but you, so deal with it… Deal with it alone or with a friend but the friend is only a band-aid that will offer support.
They will not help you heal so heal yourself.
Move on, carry on and smile so people can see that you are happy. Happy, happy smiling, and faking it until you no longer need to fake it.
Zsolt Zsemba 