I was broken, I didn’t know.
Now about me. Kids were my happiness.
After a few calls with the Al-Anon volunteer, I had begun to change the way I saw things. I learned that mentally the alcoholic could not be helped until they hit rock-bottom. Problem was we had no idea where and when rock bottom was to be. We had to wait and see. I was tired, I didn’t know how tired I was and how worn out I was until we had that whole week to ourselves. Our mental health and our physical health were far better and we were happy.
Taking out that poison from our mix was exactly what we needed. This is when I started to think..
To be a single dad? Can I manage on my own?
These thoughts only came to me once I had been able to think. When I was told that I didn’t put the bottle into the alcoholic’s hand. Once I was able to see that the problem is not me, not us.
This was a huge hurdle to cross. I understood that for me to be able to help, I will need to see all of this with a clear mind and a clear head and with a different perspective. The alcoholic and I are not related. I am not the cause and I am not the solution. But I must play my part in the game we are playing and the life we are living. I must try to help in any way possible. The only true light at the end of the tunnel was rehab.
I am me. Find yourself
Easier said than done. I must give credit to Blue October-Foiled, a band and their song that I grew to love during this time. The song is called Hate Me. It too was dealing with drinking and a mother that cared about her son.
I used to play it full blast and sing along to it to give me strength and help me get through all of this. It was a way of releasing all the tension that tended to build up inside me.
This is part of the lyrics I always tried to relate to when I was down.
“I’m sober now for three whole months.”
“The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again.”
It made me feel that I can be the person that had helped.
Al-anon Family services saved me. I could think.
It didn’t take long for me to be able to understand what was happening and how it all happened. A few conversations with a person that understood what the kids and I were dealing with helped me.
All I know about her was that her husband was a drinker and relapsed a few times and had managed to gain control of his life and live with the knowledge that he must never go back to drinking. We both lived with alcoholics. Living with an alcoholic is stressful and not knowing when and how they may drink again is a bit of a toss-up. One thing I still do not agree with is that they say alcoholism is a disease.
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