Were the Kids Affected?
Kids and change. Being alone.
When we take the negativity out of the equation, it equals change for the better. We didn’t know how badly this affected all three of us mentally until we all had a chance to be ourselves once more. The laughter and the smiles showed that both myself and the kids had changed. Our mental health was so low, having a negative person around, we too suffered.
The change was so slow that we got used to it. Mentally we were stressed, because of this walking on eggshells feeling our minds adapted to it and we didn’t know. It was all about not upsetting mom, letting her work, letting her be so we don’t argue and there is no aggression.
Why don’t I leave? Family is family.
It had crossed my mind a million times to just leave. But the kids would have to come and they were only 7 and 12 at the time. I had to slowly tell them about mom and as much hate as I could get for this. I had to make them understand that she was not well. I couldn’t tell them that I had had enough. How much I hated my ex at times because back then I didn’t hate her. The hate came later.
For now, I had to explain that mom was not well and that we had to help, give her love and understanding. These were hard things to say about someone that was causing nothing but misery and pain for everyone. No one can understand how it feels unless you have been through it.
I needed help. This is not my fault.
During this week, I had some time to reflect, only then did I begin to think about myself. I had looked up Al-Anon and found myself a person to speak to. I had blamed myself and spent so much time thinking about how all this went wrong that I needed some mental health advice as well.
I was consumed by the games, the hate and anger. I had knots in my stomach on the way home from work. There were things happening that I had no control over. Being in a family business, I was used to getting things done, produced and problem solving. But I could not help myself. I needed help. I called Al-Anon and had scheduled a call with a nice lady.
Al-anon. Not My Fault!
Having so many negative thoughts in my head for years and living with an addict for years had worn me down. Not until we had a break away from my drunk wife did I realize that I too was broken. I had realized that my life, my entire life was revolving around my ex and I had lost sight of myself.
The kids and trying hard to stay afloat mentally had taken its toll on me. I didn’t realize how much this all hurts until I spoke to the counsellor at Al-Anon. These conversations are not like being with a therapist. These conversations were with people like myself, ones who had been through what I was going through. People that were or are partners of alcoholics and ones that have either succeeded or have left their partners. I guess those are the only two options…
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Zsolt Zsemba 